Capacity of Love

Here is what I know... There are so many capacities to love. For instance, I have a friend that LOVES love. Perhaps this person is just afraid of not having someone to love, but for the most part, this person loves to love. They feel everything and it is intoxicating to be around them. I also know someone that loves to feel comfortable. NO matter what the sacrifice on their part, they love to, even work to, feel comfortable. Myself, I love to see passion in people. It doesn't take a particular form, but it always feels good to see other's passions unfold in their lives. It makes me happy. (That might be why I want to be a teacher.) In the same sense, it makes me incredibly sad to see people settle. What is better? To feel safe or to hold out for your passion? Feeling safe has its advantages... loneliness is out the window for sure... but is it really? Aren't you always going to be missing some part of your self? I don't know. As for me, I choose to always choose my passion. Even though it might change, even though it might be scary and Uncomfortable, I choose my passion. Every time. No matter what.

My Tattoo

Amy’s Tattoo (also the name of a mixed drink)

For the longest time I have wanted to get a tattoo, but never have. The reasons were as varied as thinking about how I would look when I got older to worrying about what my parents would do to me. There was also the decision about what I would get and where I would have it permanently inked onto my body. There were times, mostly during my college years, that I almost gave in to my fears, but there was always a certain hesitancy that stopped me. Now I know why…

I believe that each person has the opportunity to come to a place in life where they take an inventory of their life, beliefs, loves, hates and everything that has made them who they are up to that point. Not everyone makes the choice to go through this evaluating process, but everyone has the opportunity. If you are reading this, you know me well enough to know what I chose. There is no way possible that I could have chosen to not evaluate who I had become. So I plowed ahead. I need to stop here to say that as I write this I have not completed this self-inventory. I am not sure that I ever will. I certainly hope not. I also need to clarify that I cannot recall a definite time and place where I made the decision to go through this. I just remember it happening very quickly.

The process to date has been going on “full steam ahead” for about two months. It is amazing what you can learn about yourself when you just listen and allow yourself to think… with no limitations, expectations or hesitation. Just be. It is truly exhilarating. Ok… I know that you are reading to know about the tattoo, but you cannot fully understand the depth of the tattoo decision without knowing a little bit of the catalyst for it.

Another tattooee penned an exceptional passage on the ritual of getting a tattoo. I have included it in my story because I do not believe I could write it any better. Courtenay Strickland wrote, “The ritual of getting the tattoo can mean whatever the person wants it to mean, as can the tattoo itself. In a wedding, one leaves the ceremony with a tangible symbol in the form of a ring, which represents thereafter the marriage one has entered. In getting tattooed, one leaves the ritual with a literal picture symbolizing commitment to whatever new period of life, state of being, personal interest, or value proposition one has chosen (even if that value is simply the art or beauty of the tattoo itself). For me, getting a tattoo was a ritual symbolizing a commitment to myself and to being who I am. The tattoo is a constant reminder that who I am is something of value, and that while I should, and always will, seek to improve myself and to smooth out my many deficiencies and faults, the point is to try to be a better version of myself, not to try to be someone other than who I am.”

One Friday night in November I had plans to attend a jewelry party. Instead I spent an incredible night at Stone Mountain. I just watched nature. I felt it. This night in particular, my heart felt very heavy and burdened. At the time, I was just starting the process and was facing some weird realizations. I ended up showing up very late for the party, but showed up nevertheless. There were so many great pieces to choose from and I had chosen a fairly large necklace. It was pretty, but then something else caught my eye. A small necklace was shimmering from underneath another large piece. It is so cliché` to say, but the necklace did not belong in the company it was keeping on the table. A dainty silver chain with one small clear bead and what I interpreted to be a feather at the time came home around my neck that night. I just knew that it was for me because my heart was so heavy and this feather necklace would be a tangible way to symbolically lift my heart. However, my theory was crushed the next week when someone looked at it and said, “Amy, that is a leaf… not a feather.” Dream crusher. Thus begins the story of the leaf.

There are three life-changing lessons the leaf symbolizes. (1.)This past fall, I found myself driving down the most beautiful road to work every morning. The trees literally formed a canopy of color over the road and if I hit it at the right time the sun beamed through the leaves. Each day I looked forward to this drive, but always found myself becoming anxious. I wanted to capture the beauty I saw. I was scared the leaves would fall before I could come out and take pictures. Each day I promised myself that I would leave a little earlier the next day in order to capture what I saw. One day, about the time the anxiety set in, I realized that these leaves would continue to change, die and eventually fall. That is the circle of life. Nature. However, for as long as I live (I hope) there will be leaves changing every year. No, the leaves would not be the same, but at that moment I found solace in the change. In fact, the changing part is what attracted me to the leaves in the first place. The first symbolization is A promise of hope in changing.

Atlanta has so many great things to see and places to go. This fall, I have rediscovered this fact. One Friday afternoon, I spent some time at Piedmont Park. The first time I visited the park was for a DMB concert a couple weeks before, so I did not actually see the park for the smoke cloud that loomed above during the concert. This time, however, my eyes were working overtime. It was one of those times that I felt like I wanted to just lie down and allow myself to be absorbed into my surroundings. I wanted to be a part of the beauty around me. So, that is what I did. I sat under the most brilliant tree I could find. I have never seen a golden tree, but sitting under this one was pretty close. As I stared up at the sky through the bright leaves, my mind was at a loss for how something could be so yellow and gorgeous. The only thing I could think was how amazing God was to give us nature and the environment. My birthday was about a month and a half away, so I thought about gifts. When I give someone a gift that they appreciate so much to the point of becoming speechless, I am happy and pleased. I felt that God was happy and pleased that day as I sat under this gift. Then it hit me. What I was doing under that tree is worship. Admiring and caring for the environment is worshipful. Yes, this includes recycling, not using plastic bags (ever notice those stuck in the trees?), and in general taking care of what God has given us. This is how I worship in my everyday life. The second symbolization is Enjoying nature and taking care of gifts given to me (myself, the environment, etc).

Around the middle of December, I went to sit outside on my front porch. My front yard is small, but has one big tree. I noticed with a feeling of defeat that my tree in my own front yard had shed all of its leaves. I had missed it… in my own front yard! As I sat in disbelief at my own neglect, I saw one single leaf holding on. I believe that leaf was waiting to change, scared to let go. I was almost moved to tears. The third symbolization is Be loyal to your responsibilities, but do not ever be afraid to change.

The decision to do this came just like most of my decisions come to me. To some it might seem like a fast, out-of-the-blue decision. However, I have been wrestling with this one for a while. It got buried under some other stuff for a while, but it eventually floated to the top. There were so many signs to point me towards this decision. There is no doubt in my mind that I have made the right one.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope that it has led you to understand my rationale and a little about my self-inventory process.

Oh yeah, for everyone reading this that knows my parents, yes, they know. I told them before I got it. You don’t have to keep it a secret.